Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
either way he was missing a nipple.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
