ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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