im six kinds of drunk right now
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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