Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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