Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
