I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
