You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
