worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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