There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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