What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We need to get me chipped asap
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
