dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize