When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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