the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
