No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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