I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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