hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
