i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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