Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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