ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
