Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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