You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
look no pants
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
