I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
