yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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