do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
