i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
