Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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