someone owes me an orgasm
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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