Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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