One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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