Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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