I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
