he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
