Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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