He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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