You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Mom said you looked used
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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