Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
