Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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