I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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