You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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