You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
