we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
