your thong is hanging out like whoa
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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