I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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