And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
