im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
