Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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