I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He passed out mid-signature
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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