I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
