Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
