someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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