my vag is so smooth its legendary
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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