he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
