my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
