Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
