I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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