how can u be prego again
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
