No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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