Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
