I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
