I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
