They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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