Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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